A blog by Jacqueline Tabora

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It never occurred to me that I'll be dealing with the matters of the heart and my feelings, I mean romantic feelings.

I should have moved on by now. It was almost a year when I last saw you. It was almost a year when we last have contact. But almost a year have passed and you are still on my mind. Cheesy as it may sound, I have this routine to start the day thinking of you and cap off the night doing the same. I don't know what I get from this every day but I cannot control it. I tried but eventually gave up because inasmuch as I busy myself with a lot of work and things to do every single day, the thoughts of you come to interrupt me, in any way possible. It feels like everything around me I identify you. Just like how in one song goes, "Even the night, it only reminds me of you."

I even question myself why I feel this way. We were never together in the first place. You were never mine. You are meant for somebody else. It just so happen that our worlds collided, we met each other and it was history, at least for me.

I was not your girlfriend, never. But honestly, I have this thought that I was once yours. Yes, yours. I did not offer myself to you, nor you ask me to be yours. You and I, we were just there. I don't know what happened, but it felt like we started to step it up and be more that what we are at that very moment even when we don't have any agreement to do so. There was never an admission nor there was any confrontation of our feelings or even an agreed deal with what we want to do with what we are at that very moment. There are no labels. We just go with the flow, and act as if we both have the right to say to each other that "you are mine."

We never had those moments that couples had. Maybe because we just spent a short span of time with each other; not enough to do what people in romantic relationships do: date, go out, meet friends and other stuff. But there was the intimacy. Something that I did not see coming, especially from you to me. It surprised me actually that you'd go beyond the borders of friendship and be "more" to me. Really, I did not see that coming.

I am probably being like this because there is no closure to what we had. You just flew away and disappear. I do not know what has been happening to you lately. I cannot ask common friends about you because that would be dubious, given that they do not identify us as friends nor anything close than that. You just disappeared. And because of that, it seemed to me that we just became each other's pastime. It hurt thinking about it like that.

It's been a year, and I would not want to believe that what I feel right now is just petty crushing on you. A year of crushing on someone is too long to be called just a "crush". I am confused. Maybe I just missed you, your attention and the intimacy that you poured on me or I already fell for you and I am just having a hard time admitting it to myself. Or I am probably still in the quest to find answers to the lingering questions in my mind. That way I can get the closure that I wanted. I don't know. It will be difficult to know because the confrontation only happens between me and my mind when it would be better if it's between me and you.

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