A blog by Jacqueline Tabora

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We were strangers, then we became friends. In a short span of time, I felt comfortable with you. You make me laugh, you listen to my stories and you try to understand what I am and what is happening to me. Thank you. Thank you for doing the things that I can't remember who among the people I know would go out of their way to do such for me. I do appreciate the things that you have done even if I did not ask you to do it.

Thank you for making me feel not alone and lonely. You are too kind, too understanding and too patient to me. I do not know how to express my deepest gratitude but to say "Thank you for everything." This I will always remember, and you; yes you, the person who did good things for me and to me.


But let me be honest, inasmuch as I feel good and feel special because of the things that you have done for me, I want to put an end to what we have. I want to end the friendship.


You did not do anything bad. To be true you have done so many good things for me. But the good deeds suffocated me, the attention creeped me out and the company drained me. On the surface, one may argue that you are doing what you do for me out of being nice and being a friend, but I am sorry I find it too much. I am not used to that kind of attention, what's more, is that I perceive the actions and gestures too intimate. I do not know the right word to use but that. I don't want to go into details. But everything seemed to be too much. I feel like you suck the energy out of me whenever we are together when I know that you aim otherwise.


I am not mad at you, even when you think that I am. I am just putting a distance between us, much more a wall that will separate us, because the more that I show you that "we are okay", the more you push yourself to be in my presence all the time. It drains me. I feel tired when that happens every day. I feel like I am not the "me" that I know when somebody else is always around. I am sorry, I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I just need to have my own space to cater to my mercurial personality.


It took a while before you feel the distance I created and the wall that I built between us, but I am happy that you eventually did.  I am no fan of small talk, but I do like being in the company of some people every once in a while. For now, I will appreciate what we have become after the friendship because now I am back to my real self: the one who enjoys solitude, quiet and being just on my own.


~J




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