There is something about me that I think is very polarizing. Something that only a few people can accept and bear with, while the rest will hate it.

I used to believe that I am a likable person and can garner a battalion of friends or people who like me in general. I believed that being true and [brutally] honest are enough to make people like you, to stay by your side, to be with you. But you know, there came a time that I realized that it just does not go that way. IT is just not that. I tried to be as friendly as anybody else, laughed with them, tried to fit in, tried to be "one" of them. But things just didn't go my way. I did what the other people do, but it seems that I didn't have the same appeal just like the others.

Back in college, I was not known for being a funny being, nor was I the life of the group. In fact, I was known for my temper, my impatience and my mood swings (that is because I have this strict attitude when it comes to matters relating to academics). I tried to be a part of a group of friends, though, but I always end up as a tag along. They have already established themselves as a group of friends and there I was trying to join in since I could not find a place for myself. . . except being on my own.

And then came graduation. I understood that college buddies will part ways to seek and prep up for their future. I looked forward to what the "real" world has in store for me. I walked the path of being an employee, a starter in the corporate world, who creates a fa├žade of being an approachable co-worker, a reliable one, and a trustworthy one. An employee who will not be the pain in the ass of the superiors but will be perceived as an asset of the company. I tried. I tried my very best to balance the relationship with my colleagues, both professional and personal since both can mean the same given the interaction with them for most of the time every single day.

But I think it's just me and my paradoxical personality. I have this state of mind that "yeah we are close friends and we can be BFFS" that will be easily transformed to "we know each other, but that does not mean I'm gonna open up everything about me to you"; or “We are in good terms and I like hanging out with you, but I still need my personal space without you in the picture." Or I might do it the other way around. Yeah, that's me. I’ve met a lot of people in my life and all I can say is that most of them leave while only a few remained, and when I say remained I meant they really can handle me.

Most people I encounter can't handle my tactless nature. Back then I always care about it, what they would say, what they'd interpret it. Eventually, I learned to ignore them and be myself. I stopped trying to please people and exhibit that I am an ideal company. I built this image inside my head where all I'd do is "show them who I am and see who's going to be attracted to and away from me." Back then it's a big deal to me when somebody's attitude towards me changes. My emotions played a major role in most of those days. I felt so affected by such that I can't function well because I was not in good terms with somebody. I learned to confront such situations and just kiss and makeup, but such an approach does not work for each and everybody. Kiss and make up. Hehe. That is so not me. I am the type to let's-end-this-and-leave-me-alone kind of person.

And now I am a changed woman again. I promised to not be controlled by my emotions as it is my worst enemy. I successfully managed to do so, until something triggered it and dug it out of the deepest part of myself called "The old me".

I'll leave it at that. . . for now.

(I have a convoluted mind, so does the cohesion of my writing. But at least it sticks with the blog title as it is the way it is in my mind.)

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