Losing my Religion

I woke up one day, went to church and felt nothing. It did not happen all at once. It was gradual.


It might sound surreal. But I realized it not long ago. The forewarnings were there, although I tried to shut it out of my mind. But the time has come that I can't resist it. It's already there. I am slowly losing the grip of it. I am getting tired, confused and unbelieving. I no longer subscribe to what has been taught, nor do I embrace it wholeheartedly without any doubts. This is purely personal, as I rarely open up about these things to anyone, nor bring it up for the sake of seeking advice or seeing the situation from other people's point of view.

I just don't feel it anymore. Being one in the flock. The mind is wandering, the heart is unpeaceful. How absurd it is that the one thing that should give you peace is the one you get otherwise from? A lot has been exposed yet a lot has also been subject to question. I grew tired of the self-serving sermons. I wanted to hear God's words about loving other people, rising above trials and tribulations, doing kind deeds to mankind, living a life that respects the law and the rights of others, yet it did not occur. I came to a point of seriously and profoundly thinking the whats, whys, hows, and whos of the issues. A lot of things and events that have happened seemed to be not fit and cohesive. Concepts have been presented that could be understood by the common mind yet has been put to a whole other interpretation. 

I spend my whole life believing and living as a member of a religion. Twenty-four years, and it's just now that I have come to the realization that I have my own principles, beliefs, way of thinking and moral judgment. That I must stand for it and let it lead my life in a peaceful, moral and just way. That such personal sentiments must be the basis of how I treat others, how I see others, what to say to others, how I live my life without causing grief to others and how to spend my life on this Earth. With all due respect to my parents, they have taught me the good and the bad, the do's and the don'ts, the cans and cannots. But I am my own person now, who has her own way of deciphering things, of analysing things, of seeing things in a wider and/or different perspective. And I just don't want to waste that privilege of having to utilize and open my own mind.

Religion is such a very sensitive topic that you can't get two different heads to nod together about one common matter. The way people look at religion causes division, arguments, differences, at worst animosity to your fellow human being. This, apart from politics, is something that I rarely bring up in conversations, because not everybody agrees to disagree in such matter. These are topics that commonly restrict opinion in only one side. Neutrality is rarely achieved. And to "agree to disagree" is not honored.

So, I have now decided to live my life "religiousless", or secular in the more proper term. This way I can look at people and not hate or persecute them just because they are not one with me, nor they do not share my same belief for and/or against someone or something. I would like to live a life where societal and religious divisions do not have any role to play in influencing my personal call on things. I want to see people as they are, no matter what race, religion, and state of life, they belong to or come from. I want to reserve judgment of who they are based on the aforementioned factors. I just want to be an empty painting canvass, free from light and dark hues that polarize the spectator's vision yet is open to shades of various different colors until it becomes an output rich in elements. I would like to be a human living a human life to the best and humanely way possible. I cannot promise to be perfect, but I would like to aim to be the best version of myself in every way. :)

EDIT: And it happened. June 2, 2016. 6 in the evening. I said with finality that I don't want to be a member of the flock anymore.

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