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I asked G via Skype chat if we can "talk". You know those private, heart-to-heart, better-to-be-in-person kind of talks? She's three tables away from me, bugged by two other colleagues at the moment I sent my message. "As in magkatabi?", she replied. Nagta-tag lang naman ako ng mga butas", she added. "Palayasin mo yang mga yan jan," was my joking retort followed by a cry-laugh emoji. "O ayan tapos na sila," was her response. Quickly, I approached.

She's my work-partner/senior colleague. I think it would be polite to let her know that I am thinking of leaving the company and go start somewhere else. I have been thinking of this since last year, back when motivation and self-esteem were at the low. Back when waking up means dragging yourself towards "hell", back when I don't want to see any of their faces, back when exiting the front door as soon as the clock displays "4:30pm" is your claim to freedom. I did not actively search for a new job, but I occasionally press "Send" to forward my CV to employers when I spot a job posting that interests me; that gives me hope that it'd be easy to get a new one, that something else is always available out there; something new, something better. Or so I wish.

I was in the moment of starting a few words when I shed a tear. "Okay ka lang naman di ba kung magre-resign ako?" No preambles, I said it to her in a soft voice. And then 😭😭😭😭😭.

WATDAPAK! Did I just cry? I can't remember a moment in any of my previous jobs when I experienced or did the same. Maybe that's what they call "it's hard to say goodbye" (Luh?), or maybe because at that very moment that I told her that I am considering leaving, the thought of "what a waste of partnership"/"will there be people like her in other companies?" ran through my mind.

I guess that's what has been consistent in my work experiences in the last 7 years. There will always be that one person in a sea of working people that I'd somehow jibe with when it comes to how to get things done, how to do what is supposed to be done, take the share on tasks and both work your butts off making sure everything is in place. Maybe it is just the "lucky" me who gets to be paired with someone who at the very least share the same work goals and matches the same mindset as I do. I don't claim to be a team player, I am bad in that actually. But I do appreciate having the chance to work with people who have a high sense of work ethic. People who have the inner discipline to do the job whether eyes are watching or not. It started with Rosemarie, followed by Carmela and now there is Gemma. Hehe.

Gee, this blog entry could have been longer, but I can't write no more since my eyes are on a crying spree while typing these words!

And so there it was. I said it. At this very moment, I am torn between keeping what's been solidly built and starting anew in another job. I am not new to this cycle. But you know, there are some things that are hard to let go of because it might not be replicated somewhere else. Of course, each decision has a corresponding consequence, I just have to readily face it. 

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